I am struggling today. Feeling the stress, inside and out. I think I either have an ulcer or gastritis, on top of feeling the stress. I have been nauseous every morning when I wake up, immediately when I open my eyes, for the last two weeks. I also have pretty bad upper abdominal pain as well. Loss of appetite. Headaches. I just have felt AWFUL. Which means I havent been able to clean my apartment at all this last week or so. It hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, it hurts to lay. It just hurts. I feel so gross inside and out, I can't handle cleaning, especially in the heat and humidity. Because I am dirt poor, I can't afford to run my AC in more than one room at a time. And if I'm not going to be in that room all day, I won't bother using up a shit ton of electricity to cool down an 85 degree room for an hour. Which means I end up having to do dishes and sweep and mop and wipe down counters and clean out the fridge, in a boiling hot kitchen, with sweat LITERALLY POURING down my face and my neck. It's already miserable enough without having to deal with being really sick on top of it. So needless to say, I HAVEN'T taken care of my normal daily responsibilities. It sucks. I am hoping tomorrow at my doctor's appointment, they will be able to tell me exactly what's wrong, and treat it, so that I can start feeling better.
With school starting back up in a little over two weeks for me, and under two weeks for the boys, I HAVE to get this entire apartment deep cleaned and completely reorganized. I NEED to have everything totally in order and nice and neat and sparkling clean in order to concentrate on schoolwork... and I REALLY need to concentrate on schoolwork this semester, considering it is by far THE hardest I have ever had, out of 6 full time semesters thus far. Blech.
I really hate tension and conflict. I hate fighting with people. I don't want to. Especially not at home. I just want communication. I want to feel like I'm not alone, like I'm not the one who has to bear the burden for all. I want to feel like someone else recognizes the weight on my back and how much I'm drowning, and won't add to it... that they'll carry their own weight and do their part, and we can work together. If I did feel that way, things could be so amazing. I'd love to feel like it's a partnership. Like we work together for the greater good. But maybe that's wishful thinking ): I don't know. All I DO know is that I CAN'T do conflict or fighting. I can't. I won't.
