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I don't know why I'm feeling so pensive lately, but I've been stuck in my own head hardcore. I also have been a lot more conscious of all the families around me, all the adorable little home lives people have. It makes me feel even more alone. I feel like everyone else is out there living their real life, living the good life, and I'm out here barely existing.
Maybe to some that's not a big deal. To me, most days, I am okay with it. I get by. But then other days... it really gets to me. It can be stifling and hard hitting. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's something I've not only missed out on, but something that I can never have in the future, either. Before anyone says, "you never know", yes... yes I do. I have my tubes tied (cut and burned), I have PCOS, and I also am on birth control pills to treat the PCOS. More children are NOT in my future, and even if I COULD have more kids gynecologically, I can't physically because of my back. I need more back surgeries already, carrying another child for 9 months is simply not an option for me. Plus, the LAST thing I need is to be a single mom of 3.
The reality is, we can't bank on another person carrying their own weight, being a responsible parent, providing for their child. I don't trust men further than I can throw them... which is not at all. I would never trust someone enough to intentionally bring another child into the world.
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I will never know what it's like to look forward to a baby, with another person. I will never know what it's like to create a nursery, and plan a baby shower, and pack a hospital bag for 3. I will never know what it's like to watch my child's father hold them and look down at them with eyes full of love and affection. I will never know what it's like to take a family photo, with my children and their parents. I will never know what it's like to raise a child with another person, and more specifically, another person who loves them as much as I do, who is their biological parent, and also their physically present parental figure.Maybe to some that's not a big deal. To me, most days, I am okay with it. I get by. But then other days... it really gets to me. It can be stifling and hard hitting. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's something I've not only missed out on, but something that I can never have in the future, either. Before anyone says, "you never know", yes... yes I do. I have my tubes tied (cut and burned), I have PCOS, and I also am on birth control pills to treat the PCOS. More children are NOT in my future, and even if I COULD have more kids gynecologically, I can't physically because of my back. I need more back surgeries already, carrying another child for 9 months is simply not an option for me. Plus, the LAST thing I need is to be a single mom of 3.
The reality is, we can't bank on another person carrying their own weight, being a responsible parent, providing for their child. I don't trust men further than I can throw them... which is not at all. I would never trust someone enough to intentionally bring another child into the world.
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Ya know, it isn't even all about the whole parenting/family thing, truth be told. I also feel a bit stunted because of the job situation. I've been out of work and focusing on school full time. Since semester ended I had an interview & had gotten a job, and I was supposed to start. Then my stupid car broke down. It was the most mortifying and embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. How the hell can you explain that one away? The manager won't even answer my texts anymore, and I don't blame him. I was scheduled to start and then all of a sudden I can't even GET there? It makes me look insanely irresponsible, which I am not. So... I've been struggling a lot with that. I am still waiting to get my damn car fixed.
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I have a super stressful, potentially devastating situation to deal with on Monday, and I am terrified. Any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated. This could destroy my and my kids' lives, unfairly and unnecessarily... but that's what happens when you are at someone else's mercy ): I am going to do my best to avoid disaster. Then I have to call my friend & set up a day/time to get my car worked on at his shop. I've been going CRAZY without full use of my car. I am losing my mind. Really hoping I only have to go another week or so MAX. Monday will be a day of determining, I guess. I will find out my fate in many ways. I am super scared ):