It's like one thing after another after another lately. I'm starting to really lose it. I feel pieces of myself just crumbling, I feel a break coming on. I warn people and they don't believe me. They think I can handle much more than I can. They brush it off like it's not a big deal. It IS a big deal. And one day, people will realize just how big. One day, they'll take me seriously.
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Until then, I'll just exist in a state of wistfulness. I feel like I'm watching everyone around me LIVE. I don't know what that's like. I really don't know what it's like to feel ALIVE. I wish I did. I wish I could travel and see the world. I wish I could experience the beach at night, and the pacific ocean. I wish I could take my kids on a plane... anywhere! I wish I knew what it was like to go to the grocery store and buy REAL food for EVERY DAY of the week. I wish I didn't have to pick and choose which days to eat a nice, warm meal, and which days I'm going to have to eat cereal or a peanut butter sandwich. I wish my KIDS could have a home cooked meal every single day. To me, that is an enviable luxury. I wish I could experience a stable home, where living isn't dollar to dollar, where each month rolls around and there is no anxiety about where rent money is going to come from. One day, I would love to own a house, solely for the security and stability of it. I know it won't happen. And no, I don't believe we "speak things into being". Life doesn't work that way. I wish my kids could experience something like Disney, some kind of vacation, trips to museums and the zoo and other fun things that kids get to do. I wish I could give them this wonderful life, where they get to feel like they're really living. Instead, they're stuck with a broke ass single mom with very limited income, who is physically disabled and always in pain. My heart aches for them. I wish they could have experienced, even for a short time, what having a mom AND a dad is like. I wish they could have experienced a real FAMILY. But they never have, and they never will. We've missed that boat.
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I am just so sick and tired of living on the very edge of survival. It drains every ounce of energy and will to live. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm tired. I am drained. I am running on empty. I wish I even had an emotional support system to lighten the load, but I don't. It's just me. I spent every single day alone, every single night alone. I haven't seen my best friend in almost a YEAR. I don't ever get dressed. I wear PJs all day every day. I hide away from the world, because being out in it just calls attention to the fact that I don't belong in it. The contrast is undeniably obvious. If I hide away, if I remain in solitude, then the people around me are none the wiser. I guess that's the most I can ask for at this point.... One day....