Distortion

Sometimes our inner battles consume us.
Sometimes we let them, and sometimes we don't.
Sometimes they overwhelm and overpower any remaining resistance.

I am so tired of inner battles.
And outer battles.
Battles of any and all kinds.
 I'm just completely drained.  
To what extent… well, I'm not sure there are words to describe it.

Some things will never change.
Some people will never change.
Maybe I'll never change.
Maybe I don't want to.
Maybe I don't care.

I'm not sure why I even bother letting myself feel a sense of contentment at any point in time.
Every time I do, I'm reminded of exactly why I never should have allowed myself to entertain those deluded moments of hopefulness.

On one hand, I'm always the constant, never the variable.
But then, could the same not be said for every other person in the universe?
It could.
So that negates any significance that particular theory could possibly have held.

This whole open-ended dreams thing…. maybe that was a mistake.
Maybe it's deprived my conscious disposition of any sense of direction.
All I know is that I go back and forth.
One minute I feel like I'm okay.
Like I can conquer these demons.
The next minute, I'm completely and undividedly at their mercy.
To be entirely forthright, I think my biggest qualm with that is the imbalance.
I think I'd rather be  overthrown and subdued by these damn demons than to continue the vacillation and fluctuation between conquering them, and being conquered by them.

Stability has always been the ultimate goal for me.
I am so tired of the refinement and tempering of every aspect of my life for the last 29 years.
For once, I want tomorrow to be what I expect.
I want there to BE something for me to expect.
I NEED there to be something for me to expect.

So what can be done in the interim?
From what I've gathered… absolutely nothing.