Fragments

It seems like when I'm far from a computer or a piece of paper & pen, my thoughts begin to whirl around in my head. 
When I don't have the means to record them, in an attempt to sort of dissect them, or even fully form them... they flow freely. 
It drives me bonkers.

I don't know why I say that. 
Bonkers. 
It's kind of a tacky word.

I've realized recently that I've got a really shitty coping mechanism. 
My brain automatically shuts out anything that's difficult to digest. 
Subconsciously. 
I honestly fight so hard to hold onto thoughts & feelings, but they fade away as quickly as they surfaced....

I used to fill a full sized journal in a month or less. 
I would write on & off all day long, every single day. 
Now... (by now I mean this past year, but especially the past few months)... 
I'm lucky if I can write out a full page a day. 
It's not that I have nothing on my mind. I do. 
But it's a turbulent mashup of so many things that all I feel is raw emotion, just weighing on my heart, on my chest, pulling me down.

You know that physical feeling you get when you realize painful truth? 
By painful truth, I mean your acceptance of any emotion that is hurtful... 
And the physical feeling... 
When it feels like someone dropped a burning cinderblock on your chest while you were distracted & not ready for it? 
As if you could ever be ready for a burning chunk of cement to smother your lungs & restrict your airflow? 
Yeeeeah not likely.

Everyday my heart wages a war between acquiescence to the emotions that arise, & perpetual refusal to  tolerate apperceived ungratefulness. 
I hate the word ungratefulness. 
It feels like it's not a word, but it is & I cannot find a suitable alternative. 
Oh well.