Haven't written in a while.
To be honest, I don't even remember writing the last entry.
Not surprised it exists though.
That was probably one of the shittiest times in my life.
Definitely one of the most stressful.
To be honest, I don't even remember writing the last entry.
Not surprised it exists though.
That was probably one of the shittiest times in my life.
Definitely one of the most stressful.
Looking back, I wish I had put my foot down && ended things right then.
It would have been SO much easier, && my entire life would have been && would currently be so different right now.
I almost wish I never met him.
No, I guess I really do wish that.
I have never regretted being with anyone the way I regret being with him.
I mean, sure, there were good times.
It wasn't always hell.
But the effect he had on me is entirely negative.
All he did was break me down.
Tear me apart.
He judged me for whatever he felt about me was unacceptable, including my PAST.
His past was even worse than mine!
It was truly like he was doing this to break down my confidence, destroy my self esteem, so I'd never remember I deserved better, && I'd stay with him because I felt I had no other choice.
I've seen this tactic before.
Never thought I'd be experiencing the receptive end of it though.
It would have been SO much easier, && my entire life would have been && would currently be so different right now.
I almost wish I never met him.
No, I guess I really do wish that.
I have never regretted being with anyone the way I regret being with him.
I mean, sure, there were good times.
It wasn't always hell.
But the effect he had on me is entirely negative.
All he did was break me down.
Tear me apart.
He judged me for whatever he felt about me was unacceptable, including my PAST.
His past was even worse than mine!
It was truly like he was doing this to break down my confidence, destroy my self esteem, so I'd never remember I deserved better, && I'd stay with him because I felt I had no other choice.
I've seen this tactic before.
Never thought I'd be experiencing the receptive end of it though.
I never really told anyone about anything while I was with him, because I hate those kinds of girls.
The ones who bitch about their boyfriends, but stay with them.
Either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out of the relationship.
Yet, part of me wonders if I should have.
Maybe I would have seen the light sooner.
Any sooner would have been better.
I suppose I also felt like, if I told anyone what was going on, it would be shameful.
I felt like, I let him treat me that way, && that said a lot about me.
I suppose it does.
But I'm done being stupid.
I'm done letting someone walk all over me, just because they cry && apologize later on.
The ones who bitch about their boyfriends, but stay with them.
Either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out of the relationship.
Yet, part of me wonders if I should have.
Maybe I would have seen the light sooner.
Any sooner would have been better.
I suppose I also felt like, if I told anyone what was going on, it would be shameful.
I felt like, I let him treat me that way, && that said a lot about me.
I suppose it does.
But I'm done being stupid.
I'm done letting someone walk all over me, just because they cry && apologize later on.
I know I'm way too forgiving.
It's such an obnoxious attribute.
Can I even call it that?
Idk.
I think it's good to be forgiving.
It's GOOD to be understanding, && considerate, && non-judgmental, && NICE.
It disgusts me to see so many people holding grudges, being bitter, harboring anger && resentment.
It's self righteous in my opinion to refuse to forgive someone.
But there's a limit to everything.
Sometimes, you have to draw the line.
Sometimes, you have to put your own feelings before someone else's.
I guess when it comes down to it, if they're putting their feelings first, that's essentially the time to do so.
You can't BOTH be putting their feelings first.
That's just ridiculous.
&& CLEARLY it won't work.
You can't give && give && give without getting anything in return.
You'll burn yourself out. && that's exactly what I did.
It's such an obnoxious attribute.
Can I even call it that?
Idk.
I think it's good to be forgiving.
It's GOOD to be understanding, && considerate, && non-judgmental, && NICE.
It disgusts me to see so many people holding grudges, being bitter, harboring anger && resentment.
It's self righteous in my opinion to refuse to forgive someone.
But there's a limit to everything.
Sometimes, you have to draw the line.
Sometimes, you have to put your own feelings before someone else's.
I guess when it comes down to it, if they're putting their feelings first, that's essentially the time to do so.
You can't BOTH be putting their feelings first.
That's just ridiculous.
&& CLEARLY it won't work.
You can't give && give && give without getting anything in return.
You'll burn yourself out. && that's exactly what I did.
There is something so incredibly draining about living in fear for your life and your safety. His mental issues were no excuse for assaulting females in his past, or assaulting me, or terrorizing me and traumatizing my Autistic son. He is honestly just a horrible person.
I do have compassion for people with emotional && psychological issues.
I absolutely do.
But I can't sacrifice my sanity, my safety, && my happiness for them.
My son comes before ANYTHING && ANYONE.
&& if he's being negatively affected by someone, they're OUT.
Bottom line.
I will NOT sacrifice anything regarding my son for someone else.
Not a chance.
That's ultimately what it came down to.
His safety is number one.
His happiness is number two.
My son will always be my priority.
I absolutely do.
But I can't sacrifice my sanity, my safety, && my happiness for them.
My son comes before ANYTHING && ANYONE.
&& if he's being negatively affected by someone, they're OUT.
Bottom line.
I will NOT sacrifice anything regarding my son for someone else.
Not a chance.
That's ultimately what it came down to.
His safety is number one.
His happiness is number two.
My son will always be my priority.
The sad part is that I feel like there's no escape.
I moved out, but he's still stalking me.
I ignore his calls, but he sends horribly cruel txt messages.
He doesn't know where I live.
So he harasses my family, my friends.
It's not okay.
It's at the point where my mom is one visit away from filing a harassment order, && Michael is just as close to getting a restraining order.
I don't know why he thinks threatening people who are important to me is going to get him anywhere.
He is wrong.
All it does is make me hate him even more.
I might be nice, but just like anyone else, I have a breaking point.
Eventually, I will snap.
I'm trying really hard to be civil, && even to HELP HIM OUT.
But it doesn't even matter.
I give up.
I'll do whatever I have to do now to keep them safe.
&& I suppose whatever it takes to keep myself safe too.
I moved out, but he's still stalking me.
I ignore his calls, but he sends horribly cruel txt messages.
He doesn't know where I live.
So he harasses my family, my friends.
It's not okay.
It's at the point where my mom is one visit away from filing a harassment order, && Michael is just as close to getting a restraining order.
I don't know why he thinks threatening people who are important to me is going to get him anywhere.
He is wrong.
All it does is make me hate him even more.
I might be nice, but just like anyone else, I have a breaking point.
Eventually, I will snap.
I'm trying really hard to be civil, && even to HELP HIM OUT.
But it doesn't even matter.
I give up.
I'll do whatever I have to do now to keep them safe.
&& I suppose whatever it takes to keep myself safe too.