WTF

... am I doing? Sometimes I make such irresponsible decisions, and I make them with reckless abandon. I was cleaning the bedroom closet out, and I came across 2 duffel bags that John must have left here. So I was about to throw them in the trash, but something told me to ask him if he wanted them or if I should just throw them away. He said he did want them. He actually asked if he could come get them tonight. I originally came up with some excues for why we couldn't hang out tonight. ----- Sunday, May 16, 2021-5:29pm Lying in the dark, Listening to the sounds of your presence, As you exhale next to me. My lips on your skin feel like home, But in the daylight I'm not welcome. Why can't I loosen my grasp on this dream? It's already slipped through my fingers, Like grains of sand. Just enough remains to feel the grit, Not enough to hold onto. If forgetting was possible, I wouldn't know your name. I wrote a poem this morning. Trying to process what I'm feeling. I don't even know what to feel. John came here last night, and he was affectionate and loving... more affectionate than he ever was when we were together. I kept asking him how drunk he was, and he kept saying he wasn't drunk at all. I guess I believe him, because his kiddie cup of whiskey was barely touched, and he didn't refill it. We did things, and then he basically fell asleep cuddling me. He ended up staying. I don't know what to think or feel. I texted him after he left today & told him he forgot the duffel bags. Then I asked him if he regretted not just getting the bags & leaving last night, and he said, "lol, no". Then I asked if he at least thought it was a mistake, and he said "nope". I asked him if it doesn't affect him, doing things with each other and being close, and he said nothing. I said I wished it didn't affect me. And he hasn't said anything in over 5 hours. So whatever. I know he's with Ani, but it isn't hard to text back. I'm not going back to feeling vulnerable, and played with. I don't know if he is expecting to see each other again, and hook up. I do know I'm not willing to be his friend with benefits or his fuck buddy. I love him. It's too hard to do that. When I'm close to him, I always feel a pull. I gravitate toward him. I hate it. Part of me thinks he just wanted to get laid, the other part feels like... he was sober, and he was being really affectionate. As soon as we came back inside, he was putting his arms around me, and hugging me, and kissing my head and my face. He literally never once did that when we were together. But thinking back, he also was grabbing my boobs, and he was probably just horny. I know he has to come back to get his duffel bags, at the very least. I'm sure he'll want to hook up then too. But if we're not going to work things out somehow, then I don't want to hook up again. I think he's just using me, playing with me. And I think I need to get away. I need to find a way to get over him. I can't handle this torture anymore.