Inspiration

I NEED to get this entire apartment cleaned today. I am determined to. I need to, for my sanity. I know I can't scrub it spotless top to bottom just before bed, in one day. But I want to get it all done by the time I go to bed tomorrow night. I NEED a clean home. Then I can start getting myself and Domi on a real schedule and routine. I am going to meal prep for us, and start exercising. I may even join the gym. When I'm sober, and not focusing on getting drunk or whatever, then I will have more time to leave the house and do normal things. I want to start having Nicky do his livelessons again, and things like that. I want us to have a normal bedtime, and a bedtime routine we do before we go to sleep. Which means I need to NOT be passing the F out at night, forgetting to brush our teeth and all that. Not good. I have the meal prep containers, but I have to go grocery shopping for the fresh foods. I need to get chicken, fresh broccoli, and maybe a few things for salads. I do have to go through and dump anything I'm not using, to make room for the stuff I am, as well. I need to dump so so so so so much in this apartment. The thing is, I barely use anything. All the rest of this shit is just taking up space, making messes, giving the cats & kids more shit to fuck around with and leave for me to clean up. I wish we didn't have to keep the cats. They are such menaces. Lately they won't poop inside the litter box, and instead have been straight up shitting in front of it. It's pissing me the hell off. They also constantly knock shit off of places, cause spills and just all kinds of destruction. PLUS they are ALWAYS scratching on my couch, my chairs, or my walls. It makes me want to kick the hell out of them. It may be easier once I GET it clean, to KEEP it clean. But it's going to be a bitch. I'm going to have to get on my hands and knees and SCRUB the fuck out of the floor, for one. I want to get the majority done today, and finish the rest of things tomorrow. Like organizing the kitchen food cabinets and shit... that will likely need to be done tomorrow. I feel like that's going to take HOURSSS. The other thing that would likely have to be done tomorrow is cleaning the fridge, and the grocery shopping. This will be the first Sunday since Thanksgiving where I haven't seen John. But I have to admit, I feel a lot of relief on top of other emotions. Like, I would never have been happy with him, ever. He was far too self centered, he was so nasty and cruel. Nobody has ever made me cry with their words the way he has, except maybe my mom, but even she wasn't so effortless in her cruelty. He defintiely would lie to me. He treated me like I was support to serve him. VERY sexist and chauvinistic. He would DEMAND respect, but give me NONE. I can't even count how many nights he would just tear into me, rip medown and tear me apart and stomp all over me, and make me cry, and then tell me to shut the fuck up, to stop being a weak ass pussy. It was really hard to handle. When I was getting sober, the first week I had horrific withdrawals--so bad I even had to call out of work. When I was struggling, John said, "just go fucking drink, loser". He was always cruel like that about the drinking thing. He refuses to admit that HE has a drinking problem. He thinks because it isn't every single day, that he isn't an alcoholic. That it's only weekends, and he could stop if he wanted too--he just doesn't want to. But that's bullshit. Because it was causing huge issues for him and I, and with his daughter. Ani cried and begged him to stop drinking and he said no, that he's going to do what he wants. I worry so much about Ani being alone with him on Sunday nights, because he gets OBLITERATED. Like, black out drunk, vomiting half the time, etc. He doesn't remmeber jack shit. He has a DRINKING PROBLEM. But this asshole scumbag will never admit when he's wrong. In his eyes, hes' always right. He's even admitted that he thinks he is a better person than everyone else in the world, and that he's above the rest, and special. He has a huge ego and superiority complex. I'm so glad to be away from it, in all seriousness. One day I hope I meet someone selfless and kind. Who would NEVER physically hurt me, or lay a finger on me in anger, or say anything like John would say to be on a daily basis. He is an abusive person. I get that he's hurt, but he can't keep hurting people because of it, and justifying it. FUCK him. I'm going to go smoke, and then it's time to start cleaning! I GOTTA do this. I have to stop procrastinating and making excuses, and get. it. done. I need to find some cleaning clothes first, and put some socks on (I hate the feeling of crumbs sticking to the bottom of my feet lol, gotta get rid of that so I can focus on cleaning).