I never thought I would be such a mess. It's like I'm not even a person. I'm just a stain on society, for all to see. I'm what tarnishes it all.
No matter how much I may feel like a good person, may feel geuine and sincere... it's irrelevant. The world says I'm invisible, and when I do make myself known, I am wrong. There is no getting around that.
My heart is so tired of being broken. It can't withstand anymore,... it truly can't. And to be put in positions where it's either be lied to and betrayed, or have someone just hide things from you, what the hell do you choose?
The bottom line is: I am not enough. I. AM. NOT. ENOUGH. I am not good enough. I am not satisfying enough. I am not ENOUGH. I fail. I am a failure. Why I even bother..... I don't know.
I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could pour my heart out to him and have him care that I'm hurting and need him. But he's going to get annoyed that I'm falling apart. Get annoyed that a huge part of it is because of him. He's going to get defensive and shut me out. And that's okay, because he has choices, just like the rest of us.
I just wish he wouldn't hurt me. I wish he'd have left before hurting me again, if he couldn't keep his word not to.
I truthfully just want to off myself. I want to kill myself and get away from the mess. I want to put an end to all my pain and misery. I should not be here. I am not cut out for life.
I am so stupid. I can't stop loving him. I love him so fucking much it kills me. I just want to hug him and kiss him and love on him and protect him from the world. I want to keep him safe and happy and defend his honor. He brings me to my knees, it seems. But all I want from him is honesty and the truth. It seems I can't get either.
I'm sure everyone thinks the solution is just to leave. But... my heart would be shattered. It's not that easy ):
I wish I could just have a heart to heart with him, but it won't happen. He gets offended and closes off. Then I get screamed at and have my heart stomped on.
I can't take any more lies or hiding shit. I can't. I don't understand why I don't deserve to be loved....
Why am I not enough?
