So glad it is finally the weekend. So glad the boys are almost done with the school year. So glad that today (well, technically yesterday, since it's now Saturday, 1:56am) is the 2 week mark for my countdown to surgery. I am BEYOND ready. Way more than beyond. I just want to hurry up and get things fixed already. I am in so much pain and discomfort.It always feels like my chest is going to explode, from my stomach being pushed up through my diaphragm and into my chest cavity. It's not a comfortable way to spend my days.
So the boys have the weekend off of course, then they have ONE LAST full week of school, and then they have another weekend, and thennnn just two days of school, and they're OUT for the summer. I cannot wait... because I am so sick & tired of sitting outside of Nicky's school for 5 hours a week, literally. Over an hour every single day. It especially sucks when it is hot outside and the car is like an oven, even with the windows open. I am just BEYOND ready for the school year to be over for them. I need to have a break, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically.
I deleted my facebook for a while. I realized how sick I am of being used and taken advantage of, and dismissed when people have what they want. I'm a fucking human being.... I matter. I don't like being accused of things that aren't true, I don't like being contacted only when someone wants something from me, etc. Just over all the bullshit. I used to adore my next door neighbors. But I was really hurt by the fact that yesterday, I decided to use up what LITTLE free time I had, to go visit them, and they made some wrong ass assumptions. Apparently they thought I wanted some kind of advice on what to do with my landlord & my upstairs neighbors & neighbors in the building.... but I didn't. It honestly was hurtful and offensive when one of them kept making rude comments like, "I won't fight for someone who doesn't have the balls to fight for themselves", and things of that sort. I was confused AF at why they kept harping on the issue, considering I didn't even talk about it when I came over. THEY brought it up. And no matter how much I kept trying to change the subject, tjhey just kept circling back to it, and being rude. I tried to defend myself by saying. "Umm... I didn't even bring this topic up, you guys did", and the response was these snarky ass faces where it's like, someone is calling out your bullshit lies but being nice... and theyr'e like, *smirk* "right, but you came over here for advice". I wanted to scream, or get up and walk away. Because NO, I fucking DIDN'T come over for advice, and I DO NOT appreciate someone TELLING me what my intentions are, I don't appreciate the belittling, the condescension,... I didn't appreciate ANY of it. It hurt my feelings, on one end. On the other, it pissed me the FUCK off. I don't need their advice, and I have no interest in it. I honestly have never asked their advice on that particular topic, because why would I? They aren't in my situation. They have no idea what I'm dealing with. I have vented about some of the neighbors when they broached the topic, because they've had issues with some of the people in my building too, but that's it. Anyway, it just made me feel like crap because one of them was avidly talking to me and telling me all kinds of interesting stories, and made me feel welcome, and like they wanted to talk to me, and the other kept making drunk, snarky comments that made me feel like I wasn't welcome, and they wanted me to leave. But I didn't feel like it was polite to interrupt the one being nice to me, because the other was being rude and a poor host. So I was kind of like between a rock and a hard place, I'm trying to be polite, but this person is repeatedly making me feel bad. But it's intersting that they will come to me when they want me to give someone a ride to get their car from the shop, or they want my $16 bottle of antifreeze for their car, etc. That's the shit I'm talking about. People are nice when they want something, anything. But once I no longer have something to give them, fuck me, right? Nah. Fuck that shit. I'm DONE with it.
That's why I'm taking a break from social media, because I am just over people. I'm over people making me feel invisible unless they need shit from me. I'm over people making me feel unworthy, unimportant, unwanted, unloved. So I'm not going to give them a chance. I just want to be left alone.
