I had a little bit of an emo night, but ONLY a little bit. Having “daddy issues” lately. Dads are a foreign concept in this house. Mine died almost 20 years ago, and my kids have never had one. We hate everything about fathers and Father’s Day and intact little families. Yeah, we’re jealous haters. And what?
I swear this week has been the busiest freakin’ week ever, it sucks. I need a down day but that won’t happen until the weekend. Tomorrow I have a super important appointment that I have been waiting literally a year and a half for. I’m a little bit nervous, but mostly just want to get it over with. It’s going to determine my future, literally. I don’t know yet what I want to do. I have to print out some research articles and make my list of questions for the specialist before 2:00 tomorrow. Then by dinner time tomorrow, I should know what the heck is going to happen lol. I need a change, I really do. I can’t keep going the way I’m going. I need to make so many changes, inside and out. And I will. Within the next few years, I will be a whole new person, I’ll be done with school and will have two certificates and two science degrees. I will get to have a career again (my original career was taken from me when my spine fell apart and I needed back surgeries, unfortunately, though I do feel like the health science/medical/healthcare field is more my calling anyway). I will have my SECOND college graduation. My first was in 2007, and nobody was there for me except the guy I was dating at the time. I won’t lie, I was heartbroken that my family wasn’t there. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college, but nobody was there to see it. I worked so hard for my gold tassel, my highest honors. It still bothers me if I think about it and let myself feel something, so I try not to. And this time around, I am DEMANDING that my family is there. Both of my sisters, both of my brothers in law, and my mom & her boyfriend. No ifs, ands, or buts. Everybody will be there. I want them there. I need them there.
I was thinking today about how people can change for the better. How they can grow up, mature, become more responsible, become more in tune with who they are, including their flaws and weaknesses, and yet STILL they can refuse to forgive others for their own shortcomings. Some of them act like they’re the only people capable of change. Everyone else is what? Doomed to live in the shadow of their past self forever? How is that fair? How is that just? How is that even reasonable?
There is a certain person who used to be one of my very best friends. He and I shared that darkness, that dark and twisty part deep inside. We could connect and understand each other. He meant a lot to me and I appreciated our (platonic only) friendship. Then one day he just fell off the face of the earth and stopped talking to me. He won’t talk to me to this day, 10 years later, and won’t even tell me what the problem is. I find that incredibly childish and petulant. Not to mention hypocritical and self righteous. I was a KID the last time we hung out or talked, just like he was. Now he's allowed To grow into a respectable man, but I’m not allowed to grow into a respectable woman? REALLY? I call BS. I’ve been considering reaching out one last time, through his wife. Maybe I’ll get a response from him, ooooor maybe he’ll prove to be the same bitter, narcissistic, judgmental jerk and instead of replying to my good natured message, just start talking shit and making up nasty stories about me to his wife. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the latter... though I really would love to amend whatever the issue is. I am too old and too tired and too busy for drama and conflict. Would be nice if everyone could just grow up and stop acting catty and douchey. Lol. Anyway, I guess there is only one way to find out.
