"... And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means..."
I think those lyrics say it all.
Everything I can't find the words for myself.
As always, the only constant is me.
I can't even form coherent thoughts...
Haven't written in a while.
Not because things have been so great that I haven't been able to find the time.
Just... that's how long I've been avoiding everything.
Internalizing it, refusing to deal with it, or process.
I thought it was the right thing to do, that it was better.
Clearly it's not.
Clearly I fixed nothing... resolved nothing.
I don't know what the resolution is.
I genuinely have no idea-- despite the fact that I feel like I've tried everything.
That means one of two things:
1.) I have yet to find the solution
OR
2.) There isn't one.
I'm leaning toward the latter.
I don't have the right to be angry.
If I wanted to be angry, I should have done something.
I should have prevented shit, or stopped it from happening.
Instead of just wishing and hoping and praying it would stop.
But that's all I did.
Just waited... and hoped... and prayed.
And those prayers weren't answered, that hope is dead.
I waited for nothing.
The truth is, I destroy everything I touch.
That's why I keep to myself.
How selfish would it be to allow someone else to get burned because I touched the flames?
I can't do that...
I just truly give up this time.
I'm giving in.