WTF

... am I doing? Sometimes I make such irresponsible decisions, and I make them with reckless abandon. I was cleaning the bedroom closet out, and I came across 2 duffel bags that John must have left here. So I was about to throw them in the trash, but something told me to ask him if he wanted them or if I should just throw them away. He said he did want them. He actually asked if he could come get them tonight. I originally came up with some excues for why we couldn't hang out tonight. ----- Sunday, May 16, 2021-5:29pm Lying in the dark, Listening to the sounds of your presence, As you exhale next to me. My lips on your skin feel like home, But in the daylight I'm not welcome. Why can't I loosen my grasp on this dream? It's already slipped through my fingers, Like grains of sand. Just enough remains to feel the grit, Not enough to hold onto. If forgetting was possible, I wouldn't know your name. I wrote a poem this morning. Trying to process what I'm feeling. I don't even know what to feel. John came here last night, and he was affectionate and loving... more affectionate than he ever was when we were together. I kept asking him how drunk he was, and he kept saying he wasn't drunk at all. I guess I believe him, because his kiddie cup of whiskey was barely touched, and he didn't refill it. We did things, and then he basically fell asleep cuddling me. He ended up staying. I don't know what to think or feel. I texted him after he left today & told him he forgot the duffel bags. Then I asked him if he regretted not just getting the bags & leaving last night, and he said, "lol, no". Then I asked if he at least thought it was a mistake, and he said "nope". I asked him if it doesn't affect him, doing things with each other and being close, and he said nothing. I said I wished it didn't affect me. And he hasn't said anything in over 5 hours. So whatever. I know he's with Ani, but it isn't hard to text back. I'm not going back to feeling vulnerable, and played with. I don't know if he is expecting to see each other again, and hook up. I do know I'm not willing to be his friend with benefits or his fuck buddy. I love him. It's too hard to do that. When I'm close to him, I always feel a pull. I gravitate toward him. I hate it. Part of me thinks he just wanted to get laid, the other part feels like... he was sober, and he was being really affectionate. As soon as we came back inside, he was putting his arms around me, and hugging me, and kissing my head and my face. He literally never once did that when we were together. But thinking back, he also was grabbing my boobs, and he was probably just horny. I know he has to come back to get his duffel bags, at the very least. I'm sure he'll want to hook up then too. But if we're not going to work things out somehow, then I don't want to hook up again. I think he's just using me, playing with me. And I think I need to get away. I need to find a way to get over him. I can't handle this torture anymore.

N

Nicky got tested for COVID today, I really hope that it's negative, but not a false negative. If he's positive, so am I. That means I can't go to work. I can't go anywhere, for like 2 weeks. They would just replace me at work ): I can't handle that. I need my job. I really do. I ordered a bunch of shit from SoftServeClothing and 95% of it should be here next week. I'm also expecting my ScentBird scents (SOOOO excited for Versace Bright Crystal perfume. It's legitimate, too!) I got a few more SoftServe Cloud Cotton hoodies, a couple pairs of shorts, and a bunch of shirts. I am so impatiently waiting for the long sleeve tie dyes. I want them nowwwwww. Then on the 18th, Sammie is giving mom my XXL mermaid dream tee, and my pastel sherbert hoodie, and I think a storm grey zip up possibly. I also ordered another pair of Suav shoes--this time, I got the grey Zilkers w/the gum sole. The Zilkers are my fave. I also ordered a second pair of the Eddy slides/sandals, because I am OBSESSED with them. They are BY FAR my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE shoes/sandals/ANYTHING I have EVER worn on my feet. I am obsessseddddd. Only thing is, I need to get some grey socks, because they'll look a lot better with the grey sandals. I got Nicky this little miniature cooking/baking kit... can't wait to play with it. Trying to think of what else I'm waiting on.

Exhausting

Honestly, I give up on people. Everyone fucking sucks. Nobody can be depended on, and EVERYONE is out for themselves. I just don't care anymore.

Confusion?

Well, this week fucking sucked. But I kind of feel relieved, and I feel like now I have the chance to start fresh. John and I broke up. It needed to happen. Badly. He was never going to start treating me with dignity or respect. When someone minimizes their physical abuse of you, and their emotional and verbal abuse of you, it's time to cut your losses and get out of that situation. He called me "cunt" and "whore" and "slut" like it was my name. I spent way too many nights sitting awake alone, after his verbal lashings. He slept like a baby, while I cried my eyes out, heartbroken. He never comforted me, showed me any affection. It felt more like he was my friend than anything; however, a friend that stomped all over me. His constant criticism of me, but always defending himself and acting like he's perfect and every issue was just me being a cunt, got so old, so fast. Any kind of change is hard, though. Heartbreak comes in all forms. I knew I wanted out of the relationship, but I was dragging my feet. I almost didn't talk to him again last week when we fought. We just were ALWAYS fighting. ALL the time. It got so damn old. He is by far the moodiest -- Didn't finish, but publishing it anyway.

Redundant

I don't know if it's just getting my meds back & being back on my normal doses... but I had a GOOD day. Nothing particularly good happened... but still. I feel happy today. I feel lighter. I was happy to wear my comfy tie dye tee to work, with the comfiest pants I have, and my hair looked really nice. When I got to work, one of the drivers told me I looked beautiful today. I thought he was talking about outside but he was talking about me lol. Then another one of the drivers mentioned it, then cook. It made me feel flattered and contributed to my upbeat mood. When I got home, I just kind of flopped around, smoked, etc. I had gotten Nicky and I Subway for dinner, and didn't even touch that until about 15 minutes ago, & I went to Subway at probably 9:00pm, and it's 1:16AM lol. But I got my meds down, plus I got Domi his meds, & I also already brushed his teeth and had him get ready for bed. Which reminds me, when we get back on a normal schedule & all that stuff I've had planned, I want to set up a strict night-time routine. Not just for Dominic, but for myself. I was reading about how doing that will help you sleep better and feel more rested. So I want to have a morning and evening routine, & meal prep. I think Nicky will be much happier, too. He deserves nothing but the best, and I've been failing him. I'm done failing him. I'm going to give that boy the care and nurturing he deserves! I love my bebe so much.

Cleaning

I picked up the kitchen and living room and bedroom this past weekend. It's not perfect, but it feels good. I have to keep up on it, and over time, do more and more and more. So the thing is, I need to have things in a good enough condition that I can have company over, without being embarrassed or ashamed. I think maybe I'm hanging out with Scott this weekend, since he's been wanting to hang out & I've always had an excuse to turn him down. No excuses left, right? So might as well. But we'll see, I guess. I messaged Courtney to say I was still willing to do Ani's hair, and said something about her possibly sleeping over one night and doing her hair and the park and whatnot. No response at all. Typical. Rude. I hope she replies. It's not at all like I want to do her hair, I HATE doing hair. However, I love Ani. And the thought of never seeing her ever again,... makes me really sad. I'd like to still be a part of her life. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... PUT YOUR FREAKIN' SHIRTS BACK ON! *Hard cringe* The amount of people on here who neglect to enter ANYTHING AT ALL into their bio section truly amazes me. All you're offering people is your face. How are we supposed to evaluate/judge a potential match when we know NOTHING about them, other than what they look like? C'mon. IDK about everyone else, but I read every bio--most of the time before I even read the photos. All I'm saying is that using your face alone is probably not the method of marketing yourself that will result in anything substantial.

Inspiration

I NEED to get this entire apartment cleaned today. I am determined to. I need to, for my sanity. I know I can't scrub it spotless top to bottom just before bed, in one day. But I want to get it all done by the time I go to bed tomorrow night. I NEED a clean home. Then I can start getting myself and Domi on a real schedule and routine. I am going to meal prep for us, and start exercising. I may even join the gym. When I'm sober, and not focusing on getting drunk or whatever, then I will have more time to leave the house and do normal things. I want to start having Nicky do his livelessons again, and things like that. I want us to have a normal bedtime, and a bedtime routine we do before we go to sleep. Which means I need to NOT be passing the F out at night, forgetting to brush our teeth and all that. Not good. I have the meal prep containers, but I have to go grocery shopping for the fresh foods. I need to get chicken, fresh broccoli, and maybe a few things for salads. I do have to go through and dump anything I'm not using, to make room for the stuff I am, as well. I need to dump so so so so so much in this apartment. The thing is, I barely use anything. All the rest of this shit is just taking up space, making messes, giving the cats & kids more shit to fuck around with and leave for me to clean up. I wish we didn't have to keep the cats. They are such menaces. Lately they won't poop inside the litter box, and instead have been straight up shitting in front of it. It's pissing me the hell off. They also constantly knock shit off of places, cause spills and just all kinds of destruction. PLUS they are ALWAYS scratching on my couch, my chairs, or my walls. It makes me want to kick the hell out of them. It may be easier once I GET it clean, to KEEP it clean. But it's going to be a bitch. I'm going to have to get on my hands and knees and SCRUB the fuck out of the floor, for one. I want to get the majority done today, and finish the rest of things tomorrow. Like organizing the kitchen food cabinets and shit... that will likely need to be done tomorrow. I feel like that's going to take HOURSSS. The other thing that would likely have to be done tomorrow is cleaning the fridge, and the grocery shopping. This will be the first Sunday since Thanksgiving where I haven't seen John. But I have to admit, I feel a lot of relief on top of other emotions. Like, I would never have been happy with him, ever. He was far too self centered, he was so nasty and cruel. Nobody has ever made me cry with their words the way he has, except maybe my mom, but even she wasn't so effortless in her cruelty. He defintiely would lie to me. He treated me like I was support to serve him. VERY sexist and chauvinistic. He would DEMAND respect, but give me NONE. I can't even count how many nights he would just tear into me, rip medown and tear me apart and stomp all over me, and make me cry, and then tell me to shut the fuck up, to stop being a weak ass pussy. It was really hard to handle. When I was getting sober, the first week I had horrific withdrawals--so bad I even had to call out of work. When I was struggling, John said, "just go fucking drink, loser". He was always cruel like that about the drinking thing. He refuses to admit that HE has a drinking problem. He thinks because it isn't every single day, that he isn't an alcoholic. That it's only weekends, and he could stop if he wanted too--he just doesn't want to. But that's bullshit. Because it was causing huge issues for him and I, and with his daughter. Ani cried and begged him to stop drinking and he said no, that he's going to do what he wants. I worry so much about Ani being alone with him on Sunday nights, because he gets OBLITERATED. Like, black out drunk, vomiting half the time, etc. He doesn't remmeber jack shit. He has a DRINKING PROBLEM. But this asshole scumbag will never admit when he's wrong. In his eyes, hes' always right. He's even admitted that he thinks he is a better person than everyone else in the world, and that he's above the rest, and special. He has a huge ego and superiority complex. I'm so glad to be away from it, in all seriousness. One day I hope I meet someone selfless and kind. Who would NEVER physically hurt me, or lay a finger on me in anger, or say anything like John would say to be on a daily basis. He is an abusive person. I get that he's hurt, but he can't keep hurting people because of it, and justifying it. FUCK him. I'm going to go smoke, and then it's time to start cleaning! I GOTTA do this. I have to stop procrastinating and making excuses, and get. it. done. I need to find some cleaning clothes first, and put some socks on (I hate the feeling of crumbs sticking to the bottom of my feet lol, gotta get rid of that so I can focus on cleaning).

Horrendous

chaos pt 2

I never thought I would be such a mess. It's like I'm not even a person. I'm just a stain on society, for all to see. I'm what tarnishes it all.

No matter how much I may feel like a good person, may feel geuine and sincere... it's irrelevant. The world says I'm invisible, and when I do make myself known, I am wrong. There is no getting around that.

My heart is so tired of being broken. It can't withstand anymore,... it truly can't. And to be put in positions where it's either be lied to and betrayed, or have someone just hide things from you, what the hell do you choose?

The bottom line is: I am not enough. I. AM. NOT. ENOUGH. I am not good enough. I am not satisfying enough. I am not ENOUGH. I fail. I am a failure. Why I even bother..... I don't know.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could pour my heart out to him and have him care that I'm hurting and need him. But he's going to get annoyed that I'm falling apart. Get annoyed that a huge part of it is because of him. He's going to get defensive and shut me out. And that's okay, because he has choices, just like the rest of us.

I just wish he wouldn't hurt me. I wish he'd have left before hurting me again, if he couldn't keep his word not to.

I truthfully just want to off myself. I want to kill myself and get away from the mess. I want to put an end to all my pain and misery. I should not be here. I am not cut out for life.

I am so stupid. I can't stop loving him. I love him so fucking much it kills me. I just want to hug him and kiss him and love on him and protect him from the world. I want to keep him safe and happy and defend his honor. He brings me to my knees, it seems. But all I want from him is honesty and the truth. It seems I can't get either.

I'm sure everyone thinks the solution is just to leave. But... my heart would be shattered. It's not that easy ):

I wish I could just have a heart to heart with him, but it won't happen. He gets offended and closes off. Then I get screamed at and have my heart stomped on.

I can't take any more lies or hiding shit. I can't. I don't understand why I don't deserve to be loved....

Why am I not enough?

Chaos

I start my externship on Monday, at 8:00AM. I'm excited, but nervous. I know that the situation isn't ideal, because one of my classmates went there before me. And she hated it, and felt like it was not a good externship. But... she's also loud and comfortable getting into people's personal lives, which I won't do. So maybe my experience will be different. Who knows.

I'm anxious about the drug test for my job. The medical review officer has not called yet, because my drug test isn't done yet. But they warned me that they only call ONE TIME. And if you miss the call, they don't call again, they just say you failed the drug test. Which seems TOTALLY unfair, but it is what it is, I guess. So I'm going to tell my externship site on Monday that I am waiting for a direly important call, and that I cannot be put in a room with patients and asked to do vitals alone, because if that call comes in, I have to drop everything. If they don't allow it, I'm doing it anyway. It is just a grade, whereas the other thing is a job. A job that will allow me to keep my kids' roof over their heads. I don't care about externship, in comparison.

I got an Apple Watch, will allow me to see a call when it comes in, even if my phone isn't with me, so hopefully that will help. I just kind of wish I wasn't starting with clinical, because I am anxious as hell about this drug test nonsense. I just want to get it the hell over with.

Tonight is the last night I'm staying up late. Tomorrow I need to go to bed early, because Sunday I have to go to bed at like 10:00PM latest. I have to get up at 6:00AM on Monday, take my meds, and then leave at 7:30 in order to get to my externship on time.

If I could just hurry the hell up and get my damn drug test garbage done for Family Dollar, so I could start working already, I would feel a MILLION times better, I really would.

I gotta go brush my teeth now, and get ready for bed. It's 2:30AM. Tomorrow I don't have much to do, because I ran all my errands today, and did my grocery shopping, and also cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. But I guess I could mop the living room, vaccum the carpet, vacuum the area rugs in the kitchen, and scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees again.

I'm counting down the days until my roommate leaves... which I'll write more about tomorrow. Less than a month, thank God! The boys cannot wait for their game room!