Annual

Every NYE, 

I write a "reflective" blog entry.

Well, I missed it.

I was busy playing "Mommy Is Going To Eat Your Hair" with Nic-Nic (:

We played for almost an hour. 

He was laughing so, so, so hard.

I love that little boy so much.

He is my world.

I am so blessed to have my two boys.

I really am.

Sometimes it's a bit humbling, and also a bit crazy...

To think about the fact that I have been a parent for almost HALF my life.

Think about your conscious years.

Most of us have conscious memories starting around 10-12.

I became a mom at 16.

It wasn't planned.

Wasn't what I wanted.

But it is what IS.

What WAS.

From that day on, I began to live for someone else.

That being said...

I have VERY few years of living for MYSELF.

Very few conscious years of being me,

Living for me,

Enjoying life.

My life has ALWAYS been about someone else.

And ya know what?

I'm okay with that.

I'm MORE than okay with that.

It's what was meant to be.

I have many tattoos, 

But one of my favorites, 

I got about a decade ago.

A Bible verse,

On my left foot.

It reads,

"A man's heart deviseth his way,

but the Lord directeth his steps." - Proverbs 16:9.

That means a lot... to ME.

To me... it means that we can create whatever plans we want for ourselves,

That we can dream up whatever dreams we'd like,

See whatever future we can imagine.

But that the Lord's plan will ALWAYS prevail.

No matter WHAT.

PERIOD.

No question.

That one single sentence has kept me grounded for so many years.

So many times I wanted to just give up.

I felt like there was no point.

Like maybe it's too late.

But the truth is...

It is NEVER too late.

NOT EVER.

If you are living, breathing, existing...

THERE IS TIME.

You can do ANYTHING you set out to do.

That being said...

2017 is going to be different for me.

I decided to go back to school.

I graduated from college back in 2007.

So, here I am a decade later... 2017...

But I'm going back!

I don't care that I'm turning 31. 

I AM DOING IT.

And I am excited (:

I already applied,

Positive I'll be accepted, 

Based on my exit grades from the college I graduated from.

All A's. 

Hoping for a certain program...

Not going to say anything until the summer,

When I hear back about whether or not we got in.

"We" meaning my roomie and I.

We're doing this together.

For Spring, 

We're doing prereq's.

That means a specific Bio class,

English, 

Math (applied Math, for the program we are planning to get into),

Social sciences, etc.

We're going to get all the prereq's done in Spring,

And then in the Summer we should hear back about whether or not we got into the program.

But I am confident we will.

I don't know HOW to get anything other than A's.

Hoping that this Spring or Summer, 

my sister and I can relaunch our clothing company.

We have so many designs ready to go.

I am thinking I want to change our methods, though.

I don't want to subcontract out for screen printing anymore.

I want to invest in a manual press, 

and a flash.

The flash will cost us $400-$500, but it's worth it.

And then we won't have to submit to any minimums per screen

Or anything like that anymore.

We can do preorders, or restocks whenever we feel like it.

I have so much optimism for the future. 

I know that it cannot get any worse,

It can only get better.

And I CANNOT WAIT to see how much better things will get.

To be 30 years old,

Have a college education, a business, two gorgeous children...

Well, that's enough.

But to be 30 years old with all that, AND a SECOND career in progress,

And making our business even more independent...

I can't even express how that makes me feel.

Maybe in 2017 my roomies and I will go big.

Maybe buy a new house.

Maybe buy some new cars.

Maybe start a SECOND business.

WHO KNOWS?!

The world is our oyster. 

It really is.

As far as the PEOPLE 2016 contained...

Not gonna miss you guys. 

Some people... I was stupid enough to think meant something.

But I was wrong.

Nothing more than that. 

Just wrong.

I was wrong, and I am SO glad that God took them from my life before I could invest anything

substantial into them.

I almost did.

I ALMOST FUCKING DID.

I almost allowed them into my actual life.

But in the nick of time, they showed their true colors.

I shut them out IMMEDIATELY.

And I'd like to say I didn't say JACK SHIT to them.

But that would be a lie.

They really pissed me off, and upset me.

They allowed me to think that it was MY fault they hurt themselves.

That I was to blame, when I wasn't.

And then they disappeared.

THAT is what I was angry about.

I didn't care about him meeting someone.
That didn't bother me.

What I WAS bothered by,

Is them allowing me to think I was to blame for them hurting themselves.

And then disappearing.

THAT is unforgivable.

When I'm ready to allow someone into my life,

It's not going to be a child. 

It's going to be someone MY OWN AGE. 

Someone mature,

Someone grown.

Someone who has a LIFE.

Someone who has been alive long enough to have gone to college, gotten a degree.

A career.

As far as youngins' go....

I wish them the best. 

Truly.

They're just babies. 

They have NO IDEA what the real world is like yet.

They haven't even gotten out into it.

Still living at home,
Working basic entry level retail jobs.

I hope when they grow up, and become adults, and get out into the real world,

They'll be alright (:
I mean that genuinely.
No passive aggression,
No snark or sarcasm.
I TRULY hope they will succeed.
I remember what it was like to be a kid, like them.
I know how scary the real world can be when you're first going out into it.
I know that my son who is 14...
He'll be an ADULT in 4 years.
I will be the PARENT of an ADULT in 4 years.
People who are only 19, 20, 21, 22...
Ya'll are still munchkins.
Like my son.
You are all so young and so naive and inexperienced.
I hope that you all find your way without trouble.
I don't like seeing people struggle.
I know I don't want my son to.

---- to be continued